Blow up the Box

I haven't been feeling my best lately. I've felt disconnected from my Heart and just filled with a lot of frustration and anger. I am angry at the world, at the system. Some days it breaks my heart to see how disconnected people are from their hearts, from each other, from nature. THIS IS NOT NATURAL.

I wanted to have a rage ritual with a friend last week, but we both felt like it was too much right now. We ended up dancing and howling at the Moon in the middle of the forest instead, which was also very needed. But why does it feel so dangerous to scream and hit sticks on the ground? Why are we taught that expressing our emotions in a way that is not harming anybody is somehow wrong? It's considered crazy. But then when someone who has been bottling up their emotions finally breaks and takes their shit out on other people, this is considered normal? Verbal and even physical abuse is normal, expressing your emotions without harming anyone is crazy. This is not the reality I choose to participate in.

If you're a woman smiling at a man, you are automatically flirting and therefore asking to be raped. Random acts of kindness are met with suspicion, like you have to have an ulterior motive. Dancing in public means you are looking for attention, off your rocker, or again asking to be raped. We are not meant to take up space and express ourselves freely, this is not welcomed.

Even making sound is considered crazy. Talking to strangers is weird. Singing in public even more so. Huffing and puffing while on a jog is embarassing so you better not do it. So just hold your breath. If something hurts, just suffer in silence. It does help to say it out loud "this fucking hurts" but it helps a lot more to go "AAARRRRRGGGGGHH". I've tested it now countless times since I hurt my ass and my back. If I stay silent, the pain is ten times worse.

I am angry at the "civilized" people we have become. This so called civilization has put us in boxes where we are not allowed to move, sound, breathe, express freely and this in turn has given us dysregulated nervous systems. We can't just think and use our mind to process emotion. We are not floating heads. The emotion has to be able to safely be released from the body, otherwise it gets stuck there. And if we are hunching our shoulders, trying not to take up any space, barely breathing so as to not disturb anyone, suffering in silence... it all gets stuck in our bodies.

I used to be exactly like that. Afraid to make a sound, to move too much. I still stop breathing sometimes when I feel anxious because I used to do it all the time. I am angry at all the people who laughed at me when I did express myself, I am angry at the people who kept telling me "how to act". I am angry at myself that it took me so long to finally start listening to myself.

And at the same time, I forgive everyone and I forgive myself. I understand where the judgement, the ridicule, the advice was coming from. We all have our own past, our own trauma, our own demons, our own reality. I'm proud of myself for being where I am now. And I believe in a better future. Luckily I can always make my own reality.

When I was a child I used to like the people who others called crazy. It's not a title I claim for myself, as I am of sound mind, but I do not care if others choose to call me this. And there is such a thing as good crazy.

Photo by Ismo Karttunen

I choose to blow up the box. It was always way too small for me.

I will express myself freely. I will dance in the shop if I feel like it. I will huff and puff. I will smile at strangers, and even talk to them. I will scream. I will hug people (why is this so uncomfortable for most Finns?). I will jump and twirl while on my walk. I will talk to animals and trees and plants. I will wear what I want. I will create my art, I will express myself.

Call me crazy, call me a hysterical bitch, say that I think that I'm a God (this was the funniest way for somebody to say that I am too much for them). I will be freely me! 💖