Why am I starting a Blog?

Change is Growth🦋

Because I have been feeling the call to get out there and share more of myself. Maybe it's my Gemini rising, which for the longest time did not feel like me. Curious and adaptable yes, but a social butterfly who thrives on conversation? No way. I felt introverted, shy and awkward as hell. The odd one out, the weird loner. But I was also suffering from depression on and off since the age of 12. Looking back on it now I understand why, and I understand why I had to go through it.

I understand it from a psychological view, I understand it from a scientific nervous system view and I understand it from a spiritual view. I could go on to be more specific, but I feel like that is a topic for another time as I can go on forever if I don't stop myself.

Anyway, I feel a desire to express myself in many ways and forms, words being one of them. I think I've always been better at communicating through written text rather than in conversation, although it also depends on who I'm having a conversation with and how the planets are aligning at the time (meaning how I feel haha).

It's also because of all the wonderful people online who have inspired me along the years. I am so truly thankful for all the beautiful souls on the internet, sharing their real, raw experiences. It has given me the courage to start expressing myself more, to be more authentic, to give less fucks about what other people think. So my hope is that I will also encourage somebody.

And because I understood that the more openly I share, the less I really do give a fuck about how other people see me. That's why I started a public Instagram a few months back (and soon realized that while Insta is good for visuals, it just doesn't have the word count for me). I think it started out as a way for me to try and explain myself to others, but I quickly understood that I was explaining myself to myself. I was still (and still am) judging myself, living by the societal programming of 'what I'm supposed to be and act like'. It's a lifelong journey getting to know myself truly and deeply, deprogramming myself, but I am so proud to be able to say that I love and appreciate myself. And even though I still feel the fear every time I express something like this in public, I understand that in a world of 8 billion people, nobody will be liked or understood by all, and I do not want to be stopped by fear.

And what's cool is I can change and I can grow. We all can. I'm allowed to change my mind. That's also a big reason for this blog. To show myself, and to show others that you're not two-faced for thinking or acting differently now than you did a year ago or a day ago. I can look back on my writings and go, "oh, I don't believe that to be true anymore". And to be honest, it's sometimes really super hard for me to admit that I was wrong (ego does not waaaant to), so this is a good way of studying that skill also. Not that I actually believe in right or wrong in this context, because everything is also subjective, but what I am trying to learn is not be so rigid and arrogant in my opinions and beliefs, and to admit to myself and others when I have been.

​Words are also important for me. It was a few years back that I started understanding the power of words. It makes a difference what kind of wording you use, to others and to yourself. Most of all to yourself. I didn't used to think about it at all, but one day I actually stopped to properly listen what I was saying to myself, and I was horrified. "You stupid lazy bitch, you fucked up again" (this is not the worst example). I know it's very common for people to speak to themselves in such a demeaning way, but it really should not be. I would never have said most of the things I was saying to myself to anybody else, not even people I didn't like. No wonder I was feeling like shit. So I stopped. Obviously it's not that easy, and it doesn't happen overnight, but eventually I learned to spot the times I was talking shit to myself and corrected myself, and also apologised to myself. That was the big thing for me, apologising. I felt heard and seen. It was awesome. I felt the love from myself. And that is something I want for everybody, because the world needs more love.

Words can be used in so many ways. Giving myself the title of the Queen of Skulls was intentional. Calling myself an Artist, a Witch, a Cultivator of Interior Beauty, it's all a part of me telling my story, and writing it. Manifesting it. I used to think I was just Tuire, just this shy little girl with depressive tendencies meaninglessly wandering about life, searching for meaning. Therefore, that's what I was. Now I choose to be more. I choose not to let fear run my life, to let it keep myself small. And words help me, they are my ally. Words are spells (that's why it's called spelling).