You don't have demons

I used to say "Everybody has their demons" when referring to somebody's poor behaviour or limiting thought patterns, as a way of saying that I understand why somebody behaves the way they do. And I do understand, but I don't agree with my use of the word "demon" anymore.

Calling it demons gives it a dark undertone, implying that it's something bad or shameful, and that it should be ignored, pushed down, forgotten and never thought of again. This is how most of us are taught to deal with uncomfortable emotions, difficult memories and past traumas, but just because it's commonly done like this does not mean it's right.

Living too much in our heads has given us a distorted view of emotions. People identify with emotion, and also deny their emotions at the same time. "I'm angry" that's what I also say. But I am not actually angry, I feel anger. There is a difference. Maybe from now on I will remember to correct myself when I'm identifying with an emotion.

Emotions are viewed as being bad. They are not rational, so they should be pushed down. But there is a reason you feel the way you feel, even if you don't understand the reason.

They are not demons. It's not evil, bad or shameful. Most often it's your inner child crying for help. Asking you to see her, to hear her, to understand her, to comfort her. And to accept her, and to let her feel.

It's that part of you that was told as a child to not cry, when all you needed was a hug or a comforting word. It's that part of you that was told to not yell, when all you needed was for somebody to see you. It might have even been a subtle disapproving expression on a caregivers face. These are all traumas, and they get stuck in your nervous system, and activate as an adult when something happens that reminds your nervous system of this trauma.

Trauma might sound really tragic and big, but it doesn't have to be. We all have trauma, no matter how loving our parents were.

When adults behave like children, they do need to look at themselves and correct their behaviour, but simply judging them as "immature" is not helpful. I for one felt so much shame around my behaviour in the past when I got triggered in a situation. For some shame might be something they need to feel to get the push to look at themselves, but for me it only sent me in a downward spiral blaming my "demons" and then pushing my emotions down and ignoring them.

Judgement altogether is not helpful. I'm really learning to let go of it this year, and it starts with not judging myself. Not judging my emotions, not judging my behaviour, but accepting them and letting them tell me what I need. What that small child in me needs. No shame, no guilt, no judgement. Acceptance.

Now I'm not saying all poor behaviour is acceptable, of course it's not. I used to very much make the mistake of forgiving the same things over and over again simpy because I understood the hurt behind the behaviour. I was lacking self respect and boundaries. Saying your sorry does not make things right, changing your behaviour does.

But I'm saying there are two ways you can approach poor behaviour, be it your own or somebody else's: with judgement or with acceptance. You can judge the behaviour as bad, which most likely will result in shame which will result in emotions being pushed down which will in turn result in more bad behaviour. Or you can accept that it's an expression of emotions that feel too overwhelming, and lovingly ask what are the feelings underneath this expression and what is it that this situation needs (usually understanding, love, acceptance?).

Like I said, I know how to do this with myself already, mostly. With others, not, for sure. But I'm learning, and I'm also not judging myself anymore for the fact that I don't know how to not judge people. Because judging judgement is an endless loop.

And I understand that judgement is also helping me keep my newly set boundaries while working on my self trust. Ain't it cool how the human psyche works.